During Labor Weekend I spent my time at my most favourite place and I had a lot to think about. Lately I’ve been reminiscing back on my year, and the person I was at the beginning of it; even who I was at Easter. I feel different. Not in a bad way, or maybe not even a good way. But I feel different and I can’t exactly put my finger on it.
I saw this a couple of weeks ago:
It kind of stuck with me, even though it is the most simple of images. I realised that, yeah, a year can really change you, and this one has really changed me. The friend I stayed with at the beach this long weekend was looking at our photos from back at easter, when we were in the exact same place, and she exclaimed, “You look so different!” I told her I felt different. I told her that I feel like I’ve matured and learnt a lot more than I knew last year, or since that time when we took all those photos. That’s just what life is about, right? You’re suppossed to learn new things. Yes and no. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot more than we are suppossedly supposed to.
I ended 2014 exactly, (like literally on New Years), with a fresh beginning. I cut my hair. Short. It had far surpassed my shoulders and was reaching my waist. Well and there’s what it looked like after. Different, huh?
Some people were shocked, some loved it, and some preferred how it was before. But it kind of felt like somthing I had to do, no matter the reaction it got. You might say it was just a hair cut but it was, to me, a much more symbollic event. That’s just the kind of person I am, making something seem more important than it would to the normally trained eye.
But there is a less physical change I have felt within myself. Something I can’t exactly pinpoint like one would do on a map. But something that has definitely changed inside me, for sure. Even the music I listen to now is different to what it was. No longer am I interested in the mainstream pop music or even majority of rock music I used to listen to. I’ve settled myself in between music that makes me think, or feel something. I love folk, I love indie, I love anything that is different and screams out to me. I love stumbling upon artist whose name I’ve never heard before, hearing voices that are so intriguing to listen to, and singer/songwriters. This has influenced me I think to write my own music. This year I have written three songs, focusing more on the lyrics and how I want to make people feel, think and how people will relate to the lyrics. I think I’ve found something I could possibly see myself doing for the rest of my life. Music has become a passion. I feel so strongly about it. I want to share my ideas and my outlook on life with everyone.
This whole starting-a-blog-thing has been a change too. I’ve found that by using this outlet I’ve been able to open up a little more than I would usually be used to. But it’s good. It’s allowed me a way to express all the ideas swimming around in my mind. It’s nice to have a place to write a feeling, idea, or opinion; even if maybe I will only ever see it.
I also read the whole way through Peter Pan somewhere near the beginning of this year, and despite my love for and talking about it, I had never completed the book before then. Now near the end of this year, I’m reading it again. And this second time every single word is resonating with me on such a more purposeful level. I wrote a letter about it to just myself as a reminder, or to people who yearn to be just like peter:
I do not envy Peter Pan, I wish to simply out-grow him.
Just like we all must do one day. I wish to never, ever be anything
like him for I know how importantly I cannot. I must grow up and
one day I will grow up.
Goodbye Peter, and goodbye Neverland. I shall visit you in that place
between sleep and awake, for I know that is where you will be waiting…
I could safely say that I could write you about 50 blog posts about the novel, so I’ll try keep it short as to what its taught me as a person. Peter Pan has taught me a lot. Firstly I no longer want to be anything like him anymore. The most heartbreaking thing about Peter Pan is that he cannot and will not ever grow up. PEOPLE TO TRULY LOVE AND TO TRULY LOVE HIM IS THE ONE JOY HE MUST BE FOREVER BARRED. Peter can’t grow up. He is in constant motion, never stopping to absorb any information to help him progress as a person. J.M Barrie uses Peter to tell us that we must mature, but still keep something so pure and wonderful like the kiss, perfectly conspicuous in the right hand corner.
Although, I think the biggest change in my life is that I have become my own person. I can now hold my own. I have my own opinions and my own likes/dislikes. I’ve really grown into myself and to the person I want to be.
Octobers only coming to a close now. It hasn’t even been a full year. So maybe by December I could be completely different again, still the same but slightly different. Maybe in a noticeable way, or maybe not. Either way, change is good. It helps you move forward and to progress as a person, just like Peter never can. I’m not scared of growing up or change anymore as I know now that it is enevitable. It can be overwhelming and different, but I am not afraid. Bring on whatever the rest of these years in my life have to offer me. I can’t wait to keep evolving every day of my life.
Stay Gracious xx
P.S: I’ve also surrounded myself with like minded people. People who I love and who love me. People who can deal with my craziness, moodiness, passionate-ness and still see all the good in me. People who truly make me happy and right now, in this very instant I am the happiest I have ever been. I hope you are all happy, and if you are not, remember change is good. You are in control of whatever is making you unhappy, therefore you are in control of changing it!